Did You Hear About the Morgans?

"Luckily I called ahead and got us a table by the mayonnaise." --Hugh Grant

(2009) Romantic Comedy

Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Hugh Grant,
Sam Elliott and Mary Steenburgen
Directed by Marc Lawrence
Produced by Martin Shafer and Liz Glotzer
Written by Marc Lawrence
Running time: 103 minutes
Rated PG-13

Okay, so the director/writer (Lawrence) claimed during an interview that he wanted to make a comedy about marriage. He said he met his wife in college, and that they've been together for a long time. Then he noticeably grimaced, and I think I might have giggled. His opinion of women is about as mysterious as the plot. Here's the gist: Grant and Parker are a separated married couple, who each run their own successful business in New York. Unfortunately, Grant has morphed into a total jellyfish trying to win her back. The intro involves one of those scandalously humiliating voice mail assaults. (Think Swingers.) He finally gets her to agree to dinner in a fancy restaurant, followed by an unnecessary walk in the rain, where via some really contrived circumstances, they witness a murder. Then there's lots of screaming, and a creepy hit man with a scar lands the broken couple a hot spot in the Witness Protection Program, a pole directly opposite their comfort zone.

Straight up I'll admit I almost hit stop more than once, but I just kept repeating my mantra: Sam Elliott Sam Elliott Sam Elliott. He and Mary Steenburgen save this whiny, pussified catastrophe. (Yes, that's a word.) This movie is definitely a formula chick flick, chocked full of relationship stereotypes. But sometimes you just need this kind of fix... the same way you need a cheeseburger, an Us Weekly, or a fifth of Jim Beam Black. In the beginning, it annoyed the hell out of me--all the gesturing, and the arguing, and the hair-flipping, and the accusations. Good grief, the last thing I want to watch is the twist and turns of somebody else's jacked up drama. But these gosh darn little details just kept hooking me.

Did I mention Sam Elliott?

I can tell you for certain, the dinky Wyoming town called "Ray" (which was actually in New Mexico) looks exactly like a hundred other small Texas towns I've driven through. Hollywood makes these places seem so quaint and desirable, but I wouldn't advise pulling over if you've got any tattoos, piercings or skulls on your clothes. Even if you just need gas and a bag of Doritos, keep moving. For the love of God, just starve and take a leak on the side of the road, because you'll inevitably get shot down with the evil eye. And the bathrooms never smell nice.


Did I mention Sam Elliott? His wife, too... Tres chic.

Lawrence said he wrote the script for Grant, so he gets most of the tasty one-liners. All in all, there's a heap of snappy dialogue that moves the story along fairly quickly. There were only a couple of slow moments where my mind wandered off to what I might want for dinner, but that totally could have had something to do with Mary Steenburgen. "Here you go. Sunny-side eggs with bacon, sausage, home fries, homemade biscuits and country gravy. Can I get you anything else?" Yes honey, you sure can. I'd like a poster of you wielding that shotgun over my bed. Be prepared to seriously rethink the impression she made during Back to the Future III. She's hot and snarky and lovable...and she looks about 10 years younger. If she and Sam Elliot would adopt me, I'd be good to go, and I'm not sure I've ever been good to go.

Furthermore, if you're a Sex and the City fan experiencing serious withdraw, here's your replacement "Carrie Bradshaw". SJP said she didn't want to dress like "Carrie" in this film, and that she definitely accomplished. I think her flat hair bothered her as much as it did me, because she couldn't seem to keep her hands off it. However, she behaves just like "Carrie". She's cutesy and high-maintenance and a bit shrill, but I dig her. I'm generationally obligated--I grew up watching everything she's ever done. When it's all said and the credits roll, as much as it pains me to say it, I think I might have enjoyed the bonus features more than the actual flick. But I don't wish I had my time back, and that's good enough for me.

One spider for Sam Elliot.
One spider for Mary Steenburgen wielding an axe and a shotgun.
And of course, one spider for the bear.