Gigi

"The only people who make love all the time are liars." --Louis Jourdan

(1958) Classic Musical Romantic Comedy
Starring Leslie Caron, Louis Jourdan, and Maurice Chevalier
Directed by Vincente Minnelli
Produced by Arthur Freed
Written by Alan Jay Lerner
Based on the novel by Colette
Running time: 116 minutes
Rated G (of course)
(Pronounced Zshee Zshee...J'aime la France.)

My first thought after hitting play was, Good grief, those costumes are intense! Think Seurat's A Sunday Afternoon. The intro to this movie literally looks like said painting came to life and burst into song and dance. No mystery there, I suppose. The film and the painter both came from France. I just didn't realize that this was really how French women dressed in the '50s. Bustles, umbrellas, strangling collars and the like. What a pain in the ass. I'll never poke fun at June Cleaver again. She had it easy.

...All of my classic reviews have been relocated. Click below to continue reading.
http://www.examiner.com/classic-movies-in-austin/gigi-review

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

"Luckily I called ahead and got us a table by the mayonnaise." --Hugh Grant

(2009) Romantic Comedy

Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Hugh Grant,
Sam Elliott and Mary Steenburgen
Directed by Marc Lawrence
Produced by Martin Shafer and Liz Glotzer
Written by Marc Lawrence
Running time: 103 minutes
Rated PG-13

Okay, so the director/writer (Lawrence) claimed during an interview that he wanted to make a comedy about marriage. He said he met his wife in college, and that they've been together for a long time. Then he noticeably grimaced, and I think I might have giggled. His opinion of women is about as mysterious as the plot. Here's the gist: Grant and Parker are a separated married couple, who each run their own successful business in New York. Unfortunately, Grant has morphed into a total jellyfish trying to win her back. The intro involves one of those scandalously humiliating voice mail assaults. (Think Swingers.) He finally gets her to agree to dinner in a fancy restaurant, followed by an unnecessary walk in the rain, where via some really contrived circumstances, they witness a murder. Then there's lots of screaming, and a creepy hit man with a scar lands the broken couple a hot spot in the Witness Protection Program, a pole directly opposite their comfort zone.

Straight up I'll admit I almost hit stop more than once, but I just kept repeating my mantra: Sam Elliott Sam Elliott Sam Elliott. He and Mary Steenburgen save this whiny, pussified catastrophe. (Yes, that's a word.) This movie is definitely a formula chick flick, chocked full of relationship stereotypes. But sometimes you just need this kind of fix... the same way you need a cheeseburger, an Us Weekly, or a fifth of Jim Beam Black. In the beginning, it annoyed the hell out of me--all the gesturing, and the arguing, and the hair-flipping, and the accusations. Good grief, the last thing I want to watch is the twist and turns of somebody else's jacked up drama. But these gosh darn little details just kept hooking me.

Did I mention Sam Elliott?

I can tell you for certain, the dinky Wyoming town called "Ray" (which was actually in New Mexico) looks exactly like a hundred other small Texas towns I've driven through. Hollywood makes these places seem so quaint and desirable, but I wouldn't advise pulling over if you've got any tattoos, piercings or skulls on your clothes. Even if you just need gas and a bag of Doritos, keep moving. For the love of God, just starve and take a leak on the side of the road, because you'll inevitably get shot down with the evil eye. And the bathrooms never smell nice.


Did I mention Sam Elliott? His wife, too... Tres chic.

Lawrence said he wrote the script for Grant, so he gets most of the tasty one-liners. All in all, there's a heap of snappy dialogue that moves the story along fairly quickly. There were only a couple of slow moments where my mind wandered off to what I might want for dinner, but that totally could have had something to do with Mary Steenburgen. "Here you go. Sunny-side eggs with bacon, sausage, home fries, homemade biscuits and country gravy. Can I get you anything else?" Yes honey, you sure can. I'd like a poster of you wielding that shotgun over my bed. Be prepared to seriously rethink the impression she made during Back to the Future III. She's hot and snarky and lovable...and she looks about 10 years younger. If she and Sam Elliot would adopt me, I'd be good to go, and I'm not sure I've ever been good to go.

Furthermore, if you're a Sex and the City fan experiencing serious withdraw, here's your replacement "Carrie Bradshaw". SJP said she didn't want to dress like "Carrie" in this film, and that she definitely accomplished. I think her flat hair bothered her as much as it did me, because she couldn't seem to keep her hands off it. However, she behaves just like "Carrie". She's cutesy and high-maintenance and a bit shrill, but I dig her. I'm generationally obligated--I grew up watching everything she's ever done. When it's all said and the credits roll, as much as it pains me to say it, I think I might have enjoyed the bonus features more than the actual flick. But I don't wish I had my time back, and that's good enough for me.

One spider for Sam Elliot.
One spider for Mary Steenburgen wielding an axe and a shotgun.
And of course, one spider for the bear.

Nanny McPhee

"When you need me, but do not want me, then I will stay. When you want me, but do not need me, then I have to go." --Emma Thompson

(2005) Family Fantasy Comedy
Based on the books by Christianna Brand
Starring Emma Thompson, Colin Firth, and Angela Lansbury
Directed by Kirk Jones
Produced by  Lindsay Doran
Written by Emma Thompson
Running time: 99 minutes
Rated PG
I am so tired of stories concerning dead moms and the trying and tortured lives of their left-behind children. I lived it, and I was never a rotten little girl to anyone. Get some new material, Hollywood. That being said, I really dig this movie. However, I will openly own up to my gargantuan crush on Emma Thompson, which alleviates a little bit of the plot's predictability. I trust Emma. What I mean by this is that she consistently picks hearty roles, meaningful films, and respectable life projects. If you take a close look at her work history, you'll see she does a lot more than act. She's a (dare I use the term) well-rounded young lady with a pretty collection of little gold men and an interesting take on religion. Bravo, my beauty, for being all your own.

Nanny McPhee is the story of the Brown family, headed (kind of) by Colin Firth. He's got seven kids. If you've only got one kid, you can probably fathom the power of seven. There are a couple of sabotage scenes that are reminiscent of The Parent Trap (x 3.5). These munchkins eat nannies alive for funsies and are just generally despicable. Of course it's because they don't get enough attention from daddy, blah blah blah. And he doesn't have time for them because he only has one month to find a new wife, or he'll lose his inheritance from the rich, old (bitch) aunt (Lansbury). Whatever. Firth chats with his dead wife whilst lifting his teacup to her gaudy pink chair, so you can understand why he's not blazing up the dating circuit. But he is sexy, or there wouldn't be any love interest. Still...there's no way in hell one man could raise seven kids on an undertaker's salary, and that's why we've got a story to tell. Trust me, I get it. I'm just being cheeky.

The bit of this film that isn't predictable concerns the fantasy element. Nanny McPhee is no looker. (I'm trying not to judge here, so bear with me.) She's got over-sized moles, crazy teeth, a nose like an eggplant, frizzy hair, and an ass the size of Texas. I'll admit, her makeup is a little over the top, but so are these devil kids. As said monster minions absorb each of her magic lessons, she sheds a "negative" physical trait. So in the end, she looks more like Julie Andrews. (If you're a lover of Mary Poppins, this flick is the darker alternative, minus the singing. But I must warn, there's a bashful, snickering donkey in Sunday dress, for those of you who aren't into animated animaux.)

If my harsh treatment of the storyline hasn't hooked you yet, it's worth noting that the sets and costuming are phenomenal, like a mosaic. The manipulation of color in this film should have been billed as a character. It's all just...lovely. As the viewer, you're quickly tossed into a whole new world, rich with British Shabby Chic detail. (Yes, I conjured that term, but it fits.) The direction is spot on. Totally makes up for the donkey. All in all, Nanny McPhee is the sweet kind of movie you'll be itching for after watching like, oh say... Sid and Nancy. I prefer to call these "Dessert Flicks"--what you crave after chewing something heavier.

So, as it spins--
One spider for clever manipulation of light and shadow.
One spider for creative set and costume design.
One spider for Emma. She's a classy chick.

Mean Girls

"She may seem like your typical, selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced, ho-bag; but in reality, she is so much more than that." --Lizzy Caplan

(2004) Teen Comedy
Based on the novel by Rosalind Wiseman
Starring Lindsay Lohan, Tina Fey, Lizzy Caplan and Lacey Chabert
Directed by Mark Waters
Produced by Lorne Michaels
Written by Tina Fey
Running time: 97 minutes
Rated PG-13

Just once I wish I could've been the proverbial new kid so I could find out if they really do get the high school hierarchy rundown concerning where to sit in the cafeteria as follows:

"Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial 'cause you got everybody there. You've got your Freshmen, ROTC guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of the Plastics." --Lizzy Caplan

Simultaneously,  I wonder how different my teen experience might have been with Amy Poehler's tits as a mom. My dad was a hard-ass. I'm certain he'll never agree to that statement, but I can attest that I most definitely garnered my prudish status from his inability to allow me anywhere near a parent-free house where boys might be present. Or to cut my hair. This was the firmly stated rule: "Natalie, any woman who cuts off all her pretty hair has mental problems." Sound familiar? (Think Hank Hill in a Mercedes.) I was a 21 year-old virgin who never tasted beer, but I got accused of so very much more by my dad. So yeah, let this be a lesson to the lot of you parents. If you put the heaviest of heavy hands down on your straight-A daughter, you're going to end up with a pierced and tattooed freak who doesn't visit anymore. That being said, it's a real shame we can't have high school scars removed via laser.

So, enough polliwogging. Mean Girls is exactly what the title implies. This film has been compared to Heathers time and again, and for good reason. Granted, there is definitely no Christian Slater male equivalent. However, there's snappy dialogue, social criticism and enough pretty pretty girls to compensate. The scenes carry so quickly you ought to watch it twice. And if you can make it through without laughing out loud, I owe you a pair of parody teeth. In short, it's the story of Cady (Lohan), who has just left the safe confines of Africa-based home schooling for the wilds of public education. Luckily (or not so much), she lands a hot spot in The Plastics, which is also exactly what the title implies. I immediately got the feeling her admittance was granted in an effort to keep friends close and enemies closer, except that there are no real "friends" in The Plastics.

The only hole in my suspension of disbelief sprouted when Cady elected to fail her favorite subject to land a man. Pfft. I never would've done that. But I was an English girl, and she's into Math, which spooks the hell out of me, so what do I know. (For the record, I never would've used the word "biotch", either. I'm being generous by even calling it a word.) In the end, of course, everything is justified, everyone is sanctified, and we get one of those really cool where-are-they-now montages. This flick is best viewed after a hard day or with a cheeky friend.

One spider for a cast chocked full of smart asses. (I wish I'd had chums like Janis and Damien.)
Another for popcorn dialogue...so delicious.
A third for biting social commentary.
And spider number four (ding ding ding) --oh, the eye candy...

Chocolat

"Can I interest you in some nipples of Venus?" Juliette Binoche

(2000) Period Piece Romantic Drama
Based on the novel by Joanne Harris
Starring Juliette Binoche, Judi Dench, Lena Olin and Johnny Depp
Directed by Lasse Hollstrom (Olin's husband)
Produced by Harvey and Bob Weinstein
Written by Robert Nelson Jacobs
Running time: 121 minutes
Rated PG-13


 I think what's missing from my life is a red cape with a hood and an imaginary kangaroo who can't hop. ("Pantouffle", by the way, is the French word for slipper.) I can't remember what I acquired first--the book or the film. I own them both. I devoured them both. Once you get to know me, you'll realize I'm such a sucker for foodies. They tend to have more heart, more morals, more meat. In the case of Chocolat, more candy shaped like titties. (Go ahead and woohoo! You know you want to.)

The intro is simplistic, complete with engaging cinematography that lures the viewer in via Rachel Portman. I'll admit I have a serious weakness for Rachel Portman. She relaxes me, makes me feel safe and comfortable. I can hear her coming from the proverbial mile away, and I settle into my teddy bear blanket. (Think Emma-- the golden Gwyneth version.)

So, it's winter in the late '50s. Vianne (Binoche) and her young daughter ride the north wind into a small French town that is repeatedly referred to as "tranquil", and they open up a Chocolaterie during Lint. Can you smell the controversy? Can you hear the church bells ringing? It's not a tricky plot, people. Vianne is (GASP!) different. She wears red shoes. She's the kind of lady who lives her life the way she wants, and a big Screw You to anybody who objects. I can't relate at all. (Insert Huge Lie.) Unfortunately, she's beautiful, and she's knowledgeable and her heart is richer than her confections. Please find a reason to hate her, I beg you.

Now, if you don't already know, you should--Chicks dig makeover scenes. And watching Vianne redo her dusty chocolate shop is no exception. Afterward, of course, you get to witness our scandalous beauty makeover the entire village. If that's not enough, perhaps you need Depp to "come 'round sometime and get that squeak out your door."

Speaking of... Evidently, Chocolat commemorates the first time Johnny has ever plucked a string on film. And yes, he is actually playing. In fact, he threw together the Django/Blues combo all on his own. And for the record, should that tarnished, greenish guitar pop up on Ebay for billions of francs, I want it.

Furthermore, it's worth noting, if you love the leather-clad, Matrix-style Carrie Ann Moss, you'll probably hate her just as equally in this film. But there's a little narration twist at the end that I find quite charming. And if none of the above impresses you, watch for Gigi. She's the one who digs the chocolate seashells.

One spider for cinematography and soundtrack.
One spider for being your own person.
One spider for playing your own damn guitar.
One spider for Dame Judi Dench and an ensemble cast.
And of course, one spider for Venus' nipples.

Exit Through the Gift Shop

"It's not Gone With the Wind, but there's probably a moral in there somewhere."
--Rhys Ifans

(2010) Art and Cultural Documentary
Starring Banksy, Thierry Guetta, Shepard Fairey, Rhys Ifans and Invader
Directed by Banksy
Produced by Holly Cushing, Jaimie D'Cruz, and James Gay-Rees
Running time: 87 minutes
Rated R

According to the narrator (Rhys Ifans), street art has become the biggest counter culture movement since Punk. This pleases me, as I was never a big fan of Punk. I mean no disrespect to the genre. It's just that, since the songs are often condensed to under a minute, that's the amount of time the DJ (me) has to find the next song. I know this seems irrelevant to a movie review, but it really isn't. I imagine the rushed frenzy I used to experience while spinning for Punk shows in downtown Austin is probably the same sort of kick these street artists get whilst trying not to land a hot spot in the poky. The difference is, they liked it. I just wanted to smoke a bunch of cigarettes. So you want to know if this flick made me nervous? A little. But it's still worth a viewing. If for no other reason than to get a glimpse at Banksy's art. He's a genius. And he's more than moderately sexy in his hoodie with his mechanized voice.

So the rundown is thus: Thierry is an amateur filmmaker...actually, that is such a lie. He's a nut job with a camera. Evidently, he picked the thing up one fine afternoon and was physically incapable of putting it down again. He filmed hundreds of strangers without their consent and somehow stumbled into the world of street art via a relative (Invader). Lucky for Thierry, he's not that offensive, and his cousin led him to Banksy. Thierry actually tricked many a hopeful street artist into believing he was shooting a documentary, and that's how he scored most of the footage featured in the flick. When in reality, he was just stockpiling mounds of unchecked tape in his garage. Eventually, the story flipped and Banksy became the real documentary filmmaker.  Thank God.

If you know anything about being a gifted self-promoter with questionable talent and exceptional style (Madonna, Marilyn Manson, Lady Gaga, Andy Warhol), then you'll get this flick. Honestly, I probably wouldn't watch it again, but I will always remember Banksy. If you watch the movie, make sure you also watch the bonus features.

So...
One spider for fancy art.
One spider for crazy man ranting.
One spider for teaching me about street art...wait, I already said that.
3/5 spiders

Prey for Rock and Roll

"Je suis libre ce soir." --Lori Petty's shirt

(2003) Lesbian Punk Rock Drama
Starring Gina Gershon, Lori Petty, Shelly Cole,  
Drea DeMatteo, and Marc Blucas
Directed by Alex Steyermark
Screenplay by Cheri Lovedog and Robin Whitehouse
Produced by Gina Gershon
Running time: 92 minutes
Rated R
(The credits claim this movie is based on a play, but I couldn't find any further information, unfortunately.) 

The play on words in the title should give you a hint, fools. It's just like Gina says, "What is this? A Rock and Roll intervention?" Yes. Yes, it is. In more ways than one. Somebody I loved brought this movie into my world at a time when I was too cloudy to see the obvious. That being said, years later, I get it. (Even though several serious bits hit way too close to home and are really tricky to sit through without a shot or hit of this or that.) Most of the negative reviews I've read concerning this movie were written by watered-down rockers and men. In other words, if you're one of the few who recognize how seriously lacking the lesbian cultural world is (both books and movies), you'll probably dig Prey for Rock and Roll. Or at least, you won't trash it. I understand many reviewers say it's loaded with cliches. Whatever. If you really want to find cliches, you're going to find them in every form of media and entertainment.

Say what you want about Showgirls and Bound. I'll happily choke down my brown rice and vegetables any day, because Gina Gershon is a bad ass. She's not a fantastic singer, and she probably won't take home any little gold men for her role as "Jacki", but I'd watch her over and over again in whatever she's up to. (We forgive her for whatever the hell that was she tried to pull on Ugly Betty.) Call it a crush if it makes you feel better. She's hot. She's charming. She looks good in leather, and her speaking voice is just so gosh darn smoky. But most of all, she's funny. (We like funny.)

So it's the late 80's in LA, and the plot involves the shenanigans of a struggling all-girl quartet called "Clam Dandy". Yeah, I know. I can totally see a band named something similar making the big time in the Red River District of Austin. And yes, the drummer (Shelly Cole) is that bitchy little prep school droid from Gilmore Girls. For you fellow members of the Scooby Gang, "Animal" is a very tatted-down, fresh-out-of-prison "Riley". Drea DeMatteo will probably look familiar if you're a Desperate Housewives fan. All in all, it's a splendid smorgasbord of the bad gone good and the good gone bad. I don't know about you, but I always find it refreshing to see actors capable of playing different kinds of roles. (I'm trying like the devil not to mention how many times I've seen "Rachel" in something other than Friends. Don't judge. Jen is definitely cute as hell.)

Speaking of, so who's the villain? A guy named Nick. (Again, a little too close to home for me.) He is so gross, from intro to credits. If you're expecting character evolution out of this guy, assume elsewhere. He's more despicable than any Disney villain I've ever known, except maybe the dude who shot Bamby's mom, and he's not even easy on the eyes. He's the 10:00 fries you picked up at the drive-thru well past 2:00. I suppose his existence is essential to the plot, though I'd still like to kick his ass, even after watching him get his ass kicked. I am comforted only by the fact that, evidently, revenge is an aphrodisiac. The progression of the story via band practice montage is right on, though. And of course, there is always the obligatory vomit scene.

When it comes to rating this movie, I'll web it all out for you. 

One spider for really hot chicks.

One spider for catty narration.

One spider for singing even though you shouldn't, playing even though you can't.

One spider for tattooing a guy's forehead who totally deserved it.

And one spider for the girl I miss.

5/5...Come get me, Ebert. I can take it.

All That Jazz

"She's not even reviewing a film. She's telling you how clever she is." --Davis Newman

(1979) Musical Drama
Starring Roy Scheider, Jessica Lange, and Ann Reinking
Directed by Bob Fosse
Screenplay by Robert Alan Aurthur and Bob Fosse
Produced by Robert Alan Aurthur
Running time: 123 minutes
Rated R

This flick is a lot darker than I imagined. (Notice I typed "a lot" as two separate words, so you know you can trust me.) I'll be the first to admit that I had preconceived notions, and I don't know where they originated. First of all, I thought this was your typical sippy-flippy musical. (Insert game show buzzer.) Secondly, I assumed Bob Fosse was gay. In type I blame The Birdcage, but in actuality, shame on me. According to this fantasy-style autobiography, Fosse was a womanizer. (And a boozer, and a pill-head, and a workaholic, and a genius.) By the credits, I felt like somebody in tap shoes had ripped my heart out, tossed it onto the stage and danced all over it. I love this man. I have been this man, desperate for life, thus creating, creating, creating. If you fancy yourself the crazy artist who can't get enough of anything, watch this movie. And watch it late at night with a drink in your hand. Cabaret beat out The Godfather at the Oscars, for crying out loud.

...All of my classic reviews have been relocated. To continue reading, click below. 
http://www.examiner.com/classic-movies-in-austin/all-that-jazz-review